Ways to fix Heroes

-Ditch all the high school stuff with Claire. I don't care about her flying stalker boyfriend or that stuckup cheerleader who looks and talks like she should be in a direct-to-video sequel to "Bring it On". Hopefully they're building to something with the flying kid; we already know about his connection to Claire's dad, but they have yet to actually explore that situation. If they're gonna waste so much time on this sub-"Welcome to the Dollhouse" high school misfit bullshit with Claire, there better be some sort of payoff with flying boy.

-More of Claire's dad, more Sylar. These two are really carrying the show right now. Last season, the only storyline I didn't enjoy was Ali Larter's, with her split-personalities, bad acting and annoying, jheri-curled kid. This season, even the characters I like are getting dragged down by the lame plots they end up in the middle of. But these two ruthless bastards are such good characters that the malaise that seems to be affecting everyone else on the show doesn't touch them.

-Parkman's dad needs to be amazing. When little Mollie Mapquest's "boogieman" was revealed to be the father of Parkman, the perpetually pushed around sad-sack cop, it seemed like a clever idea . This "boogieman" had been built up to the point that you would think he was Lucifer living in Philadelphia, and the notion of the soft, incompetent, Parkman being fathered by a hardhearted demon is a cool one. Hopefully, Poppa Parkman gets a healthy ammount of screen time and remains as
interesting as he was in his first appearance.

-N'Awlins girl has potential, but I could see her situation being mishandled as well. Being able to mimic any action you see is an amazing ability, so why is she wasting it learning to play double dutch and carve tomato roses? Watching the scene with her jumping rope intercut with li'l Soul Glo Micah looking at her with that goofy grin is a memory I will try desperately to repress for the rest of my life.

-This "Peter Bourne" crap needs to stop. For a show that used to be so original, this whole "let's give Peter Amnesia" angle is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least he's finally leaving his fake-ass "Boondocks Saints" friends in Ireland. The Lucky Charms leprechaun sounds more Irish than they do. Here's hoping he and Sylar get a rematch and Sylar kills him. It works for everyone-it's a shocker for the people watching at home, Sylar becomes an even better villain, Milo Ventimiglia gets to go on to doing movies, where he could be pretty successful, and "Heroes" jettisons a terrible actor. I haven't seen them in awhile, but I didn't notice dude being that bad in "Rocky Balboa" or the first season of "Heroes". Lately, he's been the worst actor on the show that didn't appear in Varsity Blues wearing a whip cream bikini.

-Kristen Bell needs to appear as much as possible. Only good things on a number of levels could come out of that.

I really don't know what I want to come out of the Sylar/Wonder Twins situation, but I think it's a promising one.

I don't even know what to say about this one.

I watched this three times in a row and I'm still speechless. The Steve Nash part had me dying.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1772261

T-Pain

Turn on the radio to any given station at any given time and there's a good chance the first thing you'll hear is T-Pain "singing". If you want a hit record nowadays, it's who you go see. I say "it" because you can tell from the sound of its voice that T-Pain is obviously some sort of robot. Maybe it's a man who "speaks" electronically like Stephen Hawking. But whatever it is, it's pissing me off.

Kanye West featuring T-Pain. R. Kelly featuring T-Pain. Chris Brown featuring T-Pain. Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band featuring T-Pain. The airwaves are a sea of neverending nasal, autotuned vocals, all performed by one "man". I can't even explain T-Pain's popularity. Ever since it came out with that awful "In Love With a Stripper" song two years ago, I've hated that little cyborg. (I had a funny little story to go along with this, but then I realized I don't really want it in print. Use your imagination.) Regrettably, this would not be my last experience with T-Pain.

Now, T-Pain (it even has a name, Faheem Najm, which doesn't explain where the "T" comes from) rules the radio, and thinking about why could make your head spin. It sounds like Akon trying to sing with his head underwater, which actually might be why people enjoy its music. It's like Ricky Martin and Enrique Eglasias; they both suck, but one of them made something catchy enough to become popular, and the other person just copied them and achieved the same result. At least Akon's "Don't Matter" song was kinda cool, and "Soul Survivor" with Young Jeezy will be looked upon by future generations as a masterpiece. By comparison, T-Pain crafts songs like that inescapable "SHE MOVE HER BODY LIKE A CYYYYYCLOOOONNNEEE!" bullshit, songs that make me want to stab myself in the ear with a corkscrew.

Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, T-Pain's children's names are Lyriq and Muziq.

The Latest from Bonanza City

Kid Nation was back on the air tonight, which meant I was putting off my homework and ignoring any phone calls from about 6:30-8:00. The show has gotten progressively more interesting, as characters we barely knew at the beginning started to reveal themselves and new dynamics have began to emerge within the group. We've been introduced to DK (an older kid who is generally beloved in Bonanza City), Zack (a born leader and the founder of the Jew Crew.), Emilie (a wannabe PETA member who ironically looks like she spends a lot of time at KFC) and Jared (the comic relief and probable future Jew Crew leader). But the kid who's made the largest impact on Kid Nation aside from the group council is Greg, a cocky 15 year old who can't seem to decide whether he wants to better his society or terrorize the other kids. His long running rift with then-council member Mike created palpable tension every time they were on screen together, something you wouldn't expect from a show about a bunch of kids too young to be in Algebra I.

And the twists keep coming. Entitled snob Taylor got voted off the council in favor of the decidedly less bitchy Zach, but not before she established herself as a terrifically entertaining villain. In between reminding everyone over and over that she was a beauty queen, Taylor spent her time on the council shouting insults and orders at other kids while running away from her own responsibilities. As I said in my first Kid Nation post, the best thing about most reality shows is stupid beef and Taylor's knack for pissing people off made for great television.

Incidentally, the show's producers obviously realize the appeal of shows like this centers around the conflict and drama that insues (and usually the sex, but that probably isn't going down in Bonanza City). They pit the kids against each other in situations that are truly despicable at times. In one episode, the council consults the Old Pioneer Journal left behind by those CBS executives who apparently roamed the old west with the idea that they should write a Bonaza City owner's manual some kids could use 150 years down the line. This journal actually suggested the council cajole the other kids into having a pan-theological religious ceremony. Shockingly, that led to all kinds of conflict, including more jaw dropping anti-Semitism than a weekend with David Duke.

The powers-that-be also stir things up by putting the kids into teams and pitting them against each other in bizarre challenges. Tonight, they had to find tin cans submerged under gallons of baked beans in a giant vat filled with pigs. No, really. Even better than the actual challenges are the prizes the kids earn from victory. They get to choose between two rewards, one of which is always useful and practical, the other a ridiculous luxury item only a child would pick in that situation. Surprisingly, they've been pretty responsible. Good for them, because if they had taken the heated water slide over the outhouse, it would have caused even more wailing and gnashing of teeth. Bad for me, because that's what I want out of a show like this. Kid Nation continues to pull out all the stops for the benefit of the viewer. Stripping children of their dignity has never been so fun.

The University of Hip Hop

(Don't waste your time reading to this if you don't listen to a lot of rap. Seriously.)

Years from now, when Russell Simmonds creates The University of Hip Hop (and Dame Dash founds the first Hip Hop Community College), aspiring musicians will come running to get the training they need to survive in a cutthroat industry. There would be all the expected courses about hip hop culture and history, song writing, B-Boying, DJ'ing and so on, but there are also opportunities to have classes covering more specific areas of expertise. Other courses could include:

-Accurately Quoting Drug Prices in Song (with Professor T.I.)
-Teaching Yourself to Sound Like an Ig'nant Thug Ass Headbussa When You Have a Masters Degree (with Professor David Banner and guest lecturer Plies)
-Adlibbing 101 (with Professor Young Jeezy) "THAAAASSS RIIIIGGGHHTTT!"
-Breaking into George Clinton's House to Steal Clothes (with Professor Andre Benjamin)
-Whining About the Same F*cking Girl Over and Over (with Professor Slug)
-Rapping About Oral Sex (with Professor Lil Kim)
-The Art of the Publicity Stunt (with Professor 50 Cent)


In addition to the wide array of courses they offer, The University of Hip Hop would attract a who’s who of big name guest speakers:

Sean “Puffy” Combs will give a detailed business plan for using your legendary dead best-friend rapper’s memory to sell records.

Jay-Z will give a lecture on why it’s a bad idea to piss off Nas.

And, before midterms, Method Man and Redman will host a seminar on remembering your lyrics when you’re high.

If there is a God, I will be around to see this university open its doors.

Critiquing the Arts Class Review--"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is a show about people so vain, venal and vile that, when an episode ends, you find yourself thanking the heavens that it's only a TV show. They backstab and bitch, wave guns at each other (sometimes) and smoke crack (well, one time). And it's funny.

"Sunny" centers around Mac, Dennis and Charlie, three guys who own a bar in a certain Pennsylvania town, along with Dennis's sister, Sweet Dee, and the always entertaining Danny DeVito, who plays Dee and Dennis's dad. They're superficial and self-centered in the same manner of the characters on "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but even nastier. Other than "South Park", there's no other show capable of pulling so many laughs from such downright mean material.

Most of the plots that showcase the kind of sick humor "Sunny" is so good at can't be described in this blog. In fact, some of the episode titles are probably unprintable here. But a constant is the bickering of the "friends" who screw over each other in ways that are usually horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

And while the characters are morally loathsome, the actors manage to make them likable in a strange sort of way. Charlie, the George Costanza of "Sunny", would be nothing but obnoxious on a lesser show, but actor Charlie Day makes his annoying, sleazy, ignorant character very entertaining. In a recent episode, he gets to show off his singing skills, belting out a love song about the "night man" who sneaks into his room while he sleeps with an earnestness that would be hard for any actor to pull off. Even the hyperactive DeVito can't match Charlie's demented energy, but the two play off each other perfectly, with DeVito's character Frank using his gift for manipulation to put the dimwitted Charlie into all sorts of undesirable situations for Frank's benefit.

"Sunny" mines humor from the things we're taught not to laugh at at a very young age. Abortion. Mental retardation. Untimely death. Drug addiction. Just about everything is fair game, and fortunately, it's done well enough that it manages to be clever, at times almost brilliant, in its tastelessness. Sure, it's mean-spirited when Frank tells his own daughter he can help her become a local politician (so he can pull strings from behind the scenes), but only if she can "trick people" into thinking she's smart and pretty. And it's a little cruel to make a running joke out of Charlie's dyslexia, but it pays off for moments like when he shows Mac the lyric sheet to the aforementioned "Night Man" and there's nothing on the paper but some scribbles of stick figures, a backwards crescent moon and what looks like some sort of beetle. It's pretty funny, as far as learning disabilities go. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" needs to be seen once, if only to be believed. Also, this is as a good a point as any for me to say that if you ever wanted to see Danny DeVito on acid firing a pistol, watching this show may be your only chance.

Travis vs. Computer Class Part II

As I've previously mentioned, I absolutely can't tolerate computer class. Computers just don't make sense to me, and people always fear what they understand. I hate it more than Jesse Jackson hates Jews, more than Tina hates Ike, more than Salieri hates Mozart. I have nightmares about HTML codes and .jpeg files. If I ever end up applying what I've learned in this class to a real world situation, it means I've taken a job I can't stand. If you're a computer programer or a website designer, I completely agree that Problem Solving With Computers should be a required class. But I would be stunned if I use the information I've learned for anything other than answering questions on the test. I might have to drop it, but I'll give it awhile longer. I'd hate to be defeated by a freaking computer.

Critiquing the Arts Class Review--Jay-Z: "Reasonable Doubt"

Jay-Z wants to relive his past. He's doing the soundtrack to the upcoming Denzel Washington/Russell Crowe movie "American Gangster", and in keeping with the film's gritty nature, Jay has promised to deliver a dark, uncompromising album in the vein of the music he made early in his career. He's said to be looking to his first album, 1996's "Reasonable Doubt", for inspiration and it's not hard to see why. "American Gangster" is the story of an infamous drug dealer's rise to power. "Reasonable Doubt" tells a similar story, reflecting on the days when a young Shawn Carter was was supporting himself through the narcotic trade, before he went on to wealth, fame and Beyonce as Jay-Z. If he has to look to his youth to inspire him for "American Gangster", Jay couldn't ask for a better blueprint than "Reasonable Doubt".

While Jay-Z's later albums reflected the viewpoint of a man on top of the world, "Reasonable Doubt" was a portrait of the artist as a struggling hoodlum, sharing his past with the listener while looking toward the future with guarded optimism. Jay was a nobody searching for a foothold in the overcrowded New York rap scene when the album came out. "Reasonable Doubt" wouldn't match the sales of his later output, but those who heard it were blown away. As the album garnered more attention through word of mouth, Jay-Z was suddenly being mentioned alongside legends like Nas and Biggie Smalls as a future cornerstone of the east coast hip hop movement.

The album’s subject matter isn't exactly groundbreaking. Countless MCs before and since have talked about selling drugs, packing guns and being forced to do anything to survive, usually after they've moved out to the suburbs and left behind the conditions that they rapped about. But it's his style, not his subject matter, that gives Jay's music far more impact than the routine gangsta fare currently being cranked out by record labels. He has an understated brashness about him, not like 2Pac's fiery bravado or T.I.'s leering cockiness. Jay's style is more laid back, but still commandingly confident. He's pure James Bond; he knows he's the coolest one in the room and doesn't need to be loud or flashy to prove it.

The beats on "Reasonable Doubt", done by a slew of talented producers, are soulful and sinister at the same time. "Can I Live" is powered by a sample of Isaac Hayes's epic song "The Look of Love", and the beat is the perfect canvas for Jay to paint his intriguing pictures of the illegal life. "Brooklyn's Finest", his collaboration with Biggie Smalls, the self-proclaimed "King of New York" whose throne Jay would one day inherit, has a beat filled with off-kilter piano keys and harmonious wails taken from an old Ohio Players record. The album's high point, "Can't Knock the Hustle", is built around a sample of Melissa Morgan's lush "Fool's Paradise", deftly borrowing from Morgan's song instead of pillaging it.

Over these beats, on which a less capable MC would be hopelessly overmatched, Jay switches up his style effortlessly to match the emotion of each particular song. He tugs heartstrings on the wistful "Regrets", pumps pure adrenaline on "22 Twos" and releases his inner anguish on "D'Evils", lyrically and musically the bleakest song on an album with plenty of competition. His witty double (occasionally triple) entendres, intricate metaphors and seen-it-all swagger are on full display on "Reasonable Doubt". If Jay wants to give "American Gangster" a similar sound, he'll have his work cut out for him trying to recapture the magic of his debut.

A controversial issue

In Austin, the passionate voices locked in a heated debate have reached a deafening roar discussing the only topic that truly matters today: Freebird's or Chipotle? Both have mastered the art of the Tex-Mex burrito, but as that brilliant thinker Nelly so eloquently put it, "two is not a winner and three nobody remembers". If you're scoring at home, that means either Chipotle or Freebird's must occupy the not-so-coveted number two slot. This debate raises all sorts of questions. Which faux-Mexican eatery is better? Is it okay to go to nationwide juggernaut Chipotle instead of Texas born Freebird's, especially in a city that takes so much pride in supporting their local businesses? And just what happened to Nelly, anyway?

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions. Chipotle is shockingly, overpoweringly addictive for a fast food burrito place owned by McDonald's. But Freebird's represents the pinnacle of what the burrito has to offer Earth. One bite takes you to another world. The spicy sauce they use (I don't know the name) is hot without overpowering its own flavor, and apart from that, there's not a single ingredient they can't add that Chipotle uses.

I love both places, but I've actually gotten into arguments touting Freebird's. People like Chipotle, and rightfully so. It is what can only be described as magically delicious. But Freebird's is simply at another level. It unleashes an unquenchable desire on the customer and never lets go; it's like heroin probably is, only it's stuffed with steak and covered in sour cream and salsa.

By the way, Burrito King is better than both of them.

Getting Wired

I've been counting down the days until January like a prison inmate awaiting his release. After nearly a year and a half, HBO's brilliant drama, The Wire, will bless its devoted viewers with ten more episodes before having its number retired alongside the greatest shows of its generation.

Arguably the best show on TV (yes, even better than Kid Nation), The Wire is essentially another show about lovably gruff police officers and their struggle to enforce the law without bending it themselves. Yet, to call it a cop show would be a gross oversimplification. What makes The Wire so interesting is the way it explores the lives of people on the other side of the law, the criminals who on most shows would be reduced to villianous stereotypes but emerge here as sympathetic and likeable, even as they kill, maim, and sell heroin to anybody with a couple of bucks in their wallet. By contrast, the "good guys" aren't always so good. The show's protagonist, Detective Jimmy McNulty, is an alcoholic womanizer who isn't above stepping outside the boundaries of the law to get results. But, like many other characters on The Wire, McNulty's flaws actually make him more likable. It's easy to identify with the these people's weaknesses, especially given the black-and-white nature of television in general, where the heroes are virtuous supermen and the villians depraved psychopaths.

The Wire brings excitement to TV in a way that all the wisecracking doctors and indestructable cheerleaders currently ruling the airwaves never could. Hopefully, the final season can live up to the standards the show has set for itself.

Kid Nation Update

Kid Nation is why television was made.